Sister of a soilder

“Why should I fear? There is some magic in olive green and combat boots… it pours proud and strength to me and reflect the fear of enemies… I want to die by protecting the glory of my nation like a real hero and I am born for it”, these were his lines when someone asked him about his posting at Udhampur J&K and tension at the border because of Kargil war.

He was my cousin brother and hero of our village. Since childhood, I had seen him as hard working, social, charming, and a wanna be a soldier of the Indian Army. Soon his immense workout and hardwork paid to him and he got selected in the Indian army. Everyone there in our village was happy with this news. He was now a fouji…. Whenever he came home there were stories of the army, about the places he visited and a lot more. He looked more confident. Then the time came when there were questions about his marriage made him blushed.

                       It was the time of the Kargil war and only a couple of homes in our village had televisions. So in the peak hours of Doordarshan news, everyone gets stuck with the television to keep updated with war reports and pray for the safety of our soldiers. Little thing I remembered that my brother was posted at kaithal those days where there were reported some terrorist activities and the army was operating under “operation rakshak” to banish the terrorists from that area. Whenever anyone asks his mother about him, her replies were “he is alright.” But worries of her beloved son was not hidden from anyone, her worried face was not hidden from anyone.

That was the beautiful day of 15 August. The day to celebrate our independence. In the afternoon everyone was at home taking their lunch unknowing about the fact that the son of our village is fighting with terrorists and protecting the mother India.

The phone rang in the evening to pass that bad news. Another person on the phone gave the information that how bravely my brother fought with the terrorists till his last breath. The news was unbelieving to me and for everyone. It was very hard to engulf the truth that my brother is no more, he will no more to tease me, I will not be able to wear new frock in his wedding….and no more he will proudly chant the stories of the army to us.

 My brother will not come again… the dream to enjoy his wedding will always a dream.because somewhere far in hills he has sacrificed his life and kept his words. The next day was not the same… there was much crowd at our village; there were ministers and and a lot of army personnel's…. Everything looked so extravagant in our little village. This was a proud moment for us that he kept his promises and protected the nation at the cost of his life but every heart was crying for the unbearable loss.

Time have passed …but memories are still as it is...the proud that he was my brother is still the same... the village have proud that soldier was born here... 15 august is not just the day of independence for me but also a day to remember my beloved brother who sacrificed his life for nation.

That time I was too little to understand what had happened. All I understood is that they came from Pakistan and killed my brother. When news of Pulwama attack hit my ears …….all the older memories recapitulated At that time, tears were rolling down from my eyes and I asked my mother,“Why don’t they understand that trying to disturb the happiness and peace of our country this way will result nothing but loss for both sides.”

Hate, war and attack is not the solution for anything. We have grown learning that terrorists comes from our neighbor country to destroy our peace and happiness but I pray and hope that time will come when I will say,“ we have good neighbors and our friends comes from pakistan…not terrorists.”

The bride to be

“ Somebody said that there is a story behind every marriage and so did in mine. But just like any other fairy tale,  mine wedding story was too full of drama, emotions, tears, struggle, fights and some action until my lazy soul mate came for my escape. Lazy ..because it took him really long years to find me. I was just a friendly, full of life kinda girl until my so-called Perfect- age- of- marriage came to a verge. There were days when I felt frustrated answering a simple question “ Shaadi kb kr rhi ho “ Who so ever come in front of me had the same  set of questions “ is someone in your life .. why you said No to that boy” and else is bla.. bla.. bla….” With the passage of years, the thing turned worst and soon my very own personal life turned to a big social issue. But anyhow my parents learned to deal with questions about the delay in my marriage. Many times parents supported me and understood the reasons behind my rejections but other times they just joined the crowd to blame me for that delay in marriage.  Well, this hot topic never went off beat. The walls of my little home witnessed a lot of drama that how any conversation turns to debate about my marriage and then some action. There are some lucky people also witnessed the action scenes where once I broke mug and other time even my cell phone.  Instead of things, I really wanted to break the teeth of those who believed that my marriage is all about their business. All this resulted in decreasing my social image. I started skipping the social gathering limited myself to stay away from that marriage ghost. This resulted in nothing and soon people started demoralizing me more and more.  This delay- marriage- drama was at its best when people started utilizing their convincing skills on me and forced me to say yes to who so ever just because I was too old to get a perfect groom (according to them )… AND they really mean it…. WHO- SO – EVER… But I never ever bowed down to anyone.. I had my stand that I will tie the knot only if I meet a guy with whom my thinking and prospect about life match without considering any social pressure. Yet, another reason why I stayed strong was my deep faith in God. Deep in my heart, I knew that it’s just a matter of time so no need to worry and lose patience at any cost. Rather than to take tensions about age and marriage I  preferred to pay attention to my job and live life normally against all odds. After such an emotional drama of almost 8 years one fine day my turtle soul mate finally reached to me and after that, everything turned perfect. The most awaited day came … I was the beautiful bride, ( as told by everyone)  those who done everything to convince me about marriage now were appreciating about my right decision. There was decoration, music, sweets, relatives, friends and everyone else was happy. After all, It was the MOST AWAITED Marriage happening…
 All I learned is it’s just a matter of time, things change, situation change and so do the people’s opinion. Those who were against me once were sitting beside me and enjoying the marriage. I never gave importance to unnecessary advice and people’s view about my life because whatever happened in your life either it's good or bad .. Kuch to log khenge..

Life of a Sailor

!!!!!!When you ask folks about their wish list then its Travel the world which remain on the top. Obviously, life is not meant to be at one place…Humans compiled to travel as they don’t possess roots. And all thanks to my glorious profession of Merchant Navy which learned me to live with a compass. People say me lucky as I am just 25 and traveled almost all the sea routes and half of the world countries. No doubts, I also feel lucky enough. But as they say that everything comes with a price…And being in merchant navy you have to pay a really heavy price… JUST LIKE  being out of coverage area for a couple of months,.. No connectivity with family, friends, and land is the only thing your eyes want to see. Forget about dishes…. When this sea takes its toll on you.. Whatever you eat ..you vomit it.. Headache, upset stomach is the common thing is ship…. It's not just BAD whether which is your foremost enemy but sometimes you have to deal with Pirates of sea…. YES Really… I miss home badly,… too badly … But that’s not a big deal.. There is no going back… Its all about your luck to get good ship and good sea. There were days when I felt like it's my last breath. Being out away from people kept me in depression and many times some weird questions hit me like “ where am I” What the hell I am doing without any loved one………..   I have seen my best and worst days in the ship. The roughness of sea taught me to be strong and beauty of climate of the sea make me enjoy the view…. What so ever my profession make me experience I make sure that I enjoy every moment and when I am at home .. Nothing can stop me to roam and live life the way I want to……..Once I am home. I start exploring my very own Himachal.. I do photography and enjoy doing it. Just to make sure that there remains no regret about enjoying life before the SEA CALLING for me………………..

A newbie mother

To nurture life within you is quite amazing. But the fact is that what it takes to change so much for someone who will be your soul but not your shadow. When we are children we usually are carefree, depended and sometimes complaining to our parents for several things.

They say daughters are very close to their fathers. But in my case, things were quite different. Being the first child I had always been a mom's child. I never let my mother divert her attention from my side. Yet, I introduce myself as a strong independent girl, but in reality, every decision of my life always needed the guidance of my mother.  The relation was not always a cake walk and the generation gap also had its role to play. We had so many arguments, the difference in opinions and a lot more debating stuff. There were the times in my teen ages when our house witnessed the loud voices of mine saying, you will not understand me, mom, your thinking is old fashioned I should not discuss my problems with you etc. but, it took me a decade to understand why we had so much of differences in my teenage. The only thing which I still feel a must need for me is her never giving up support. Through these years somehow she managed to understand that it's alright for girls to go for outing have friends and live life to fullest. 

                        Time never remains the same. Today when I am penning down the memories of old me, a little daughter is sleeping calmly. I am a mother now, which means now I can understand what my mother faced those days. But my perk is my memories which give me a better reflection of the truth yet no matter how modern mom I believe I am, generation gap will always there. No matter how open-minded I will she will not listen to me wholly solely and in that case, the only thing that matters is my support to her and her belief in me. Now, I have a fair idea of what kind of emotions a mother hold to her child and why it's called the most sacred relation on earth. There is no replacement to the love and sacrifice of a mother the only thing is that we should always take time to celebrate and show our gratitude toward our mothers.

Life of a Hostel girl

“ For me, past 8 years was always on a bag packing mode. From one college to other ..from one hostel to other…  I practiced a different life style. Lived with all kind of girls as roommates. Some were arrogant, active, hard working while few were lazy and simple just like me…. But I managed to be friend with all my roommates and that was the result of my adjusting nature… I adjust easily and happily. These 8 years of continue hostel life made me independent and strong enough. I learn to deal with flaws of hostel life, my stomach is now well versed with not so edible food of hostel and whenever it refuses to digest that SO CALLED FOOD of hostel, Eno is always in my medical kit.  I understand that when I am away from home… roommates are the only people who are my family, sometimes more than family. Maybe, that’s why I ever remained in a healthy relationship  with my roommates………. It’s really difficult to adapt a certain kind of environment and then leave it after couple of years… From the very first day at any hostel  I know the bed, the  study table, the Elmira which I call is mine.. is not mine…. I have to leave all this given infrastructure  once I complete my term. I am not supposed to love with all the infrastructure or roommates but unfortunately I with time I develop a bond of love with everything. But once when I am settled in that environment and hostel life… it’s the time to move on… And that is it… It happens… It’s really painful to leave everything and go to new destination… I can share the pain of those who don’t have a permanent home… Sometimes I feel myself as a member of packers and movers………..  I have a beautiful family and a home in between tranquil hills but I was not fortunate enough to complete my study being at best place of world , where my soul rest. My higher studies always made me to leave the comfort of home … .. Yet, The home coming always thrilled me and that joy of going home is incomparable.. Being in study for so many years I also learn that it’s not always possible to be at home on every occasion and function. My exams, studies, assignments didn’t allowed me to be a part of family functions…I  Can’t express how I feel when on the other side family is enjoying function and I am asking on phone that how is it going with teary eyes…. For the outside world… hostel life always been the best thing happen.. They say living away from parents on your own is so exciting…. I don’t deny.. it is good sometimes … Its good when you gossip with your roommate whole night, it’s awesome when you sing, dance and enjoy birthdays with friends… Going to market and enjoy shopping on one hour off from hostel is a kind of joy hostel life make you enjoy… But the best thing about hostel is not working… no making food… When I am at home, my siblings do taunt me like “ it’s not your hostel that make you take your spoon and go to mess”.  Hostel life taught me punctuality, value of time, independence, being social, manage everything, study periods, day off and a lot more. ….Anyhow, today when I look back to those 8 years then there is plethora of thoughts which haunt me every now and then…. There were times when I said “  I don’t want to stay here. I wanna go home” and there were also the times when I said “ I don’t wanna leave this hostel , I wanna stay here “
Well, time never stay the same.. but the memories do… And these so many different years of hostel life has given me enough memories to be remember for the rest of my life . I got a lot of degree for my studies and gazillion experiences from  MY SO LONG HOSTEL LIFE…………….”

Love Story of a Sailor

Sometimes God gives you everything… More than your expectation and that was the exact day for me. The only day of my life when I felt so complete and overwhelmed… The job letter in my pocket a beautiful lake view in front of my twinkling eyes and she,…. Sitting just next to me… What else could wish for…. I was overwhelmed feeling of getting everything whatever I dream for.  We were like such for the past one hour silently capturing the view in our eyes.. Nither she said a word and nor I tried to break the moment of intense silence… We love to sit like this .. Silently… She says with eyes and gesture and  I reply in the same way… For this habit, we used to be taunted like Silent couple… I am very calm, patient and sorted kind of person and so is she.. I don’t know how our chemistry gets fit in chemical equations because All I know about love is OPPOSITE ATTRACT… But in our case, she is just like me... She even never said YES to me… All she managed to reply was some happy facial expressions and a nod from which I managed to calculate that she does like me…  After school, we met twice and this was the last time before I board on the ship for my first job. This was our favorite place to spend that quality time with each other. I don’t know what magic she beheld with her that her presence made me so happy fulfilling every time.. My head was overloaded with such thoughts of heading my life with her and just then I spotted a little who just sat on the rock. That bird fascinated me so much that I decided to break the silence and say her “ Look what a lovely flower”. As my words disturbed her thought process with hustle all she replied was “ where” ……… I tried to help her wandering eyes with the direction of my hand, so I tried to skip my hand which she was holding tightly. But she was in no mood to release my hand and she tightens her grip on my hand just to ensure that bird watching doesn’t worth to separate my hand from her.  Within few minutes she found the bird but didn’t comment on it… I just wanted to break the silence from her side too so I just asked her “ where is its soul mate” She smiled and said”  Maybe on ship” and we laughed… I was trying not to make any eye contact with her as I can’t see tears in her eyes…  But then the time got over.. she needed to go…. But she kept on holding my hand as much as possible… “ wait for me” were  My last words to her … and her reply was ….JUST A SMILE….

 I knew that life is going to reciprocate after these magical moments… JOB, SHIP SEA NO INTERNET, NO CALLS… ONE YEAR CONTRACT these all things again started horrifying me as she left ….

AND I LEFT TO MY NEW DESTINATION……………

                                    Finally, that morning of departure came with a broke me completely, my heart was sinking, my eyes were denying to hold the emotions of losing everything. It was the feeling of losing the home, my friends, village, parents and Yes…. Losing her. The few minutes were left for the bus to take me away. It was a chilling morning but still all my friends, the family came here to bid me goodbye at the bus stop. Their presence and words were strengthening me but deep inside I was breaking ..my heart was saying.. “please someone stop me… I don’t wanna go”… But the truth was that I had to go.. At my last moments, I said bye to all and hugged each, touched the feet of my mother and took her blessings.. She too was holding a thunderstorm of emotions but she managed to say bye to me with a smile… As I was stepping inside the bus it felt that I missed something… I missed the bye of her …. I missed her glimpse… ..Yet I know that she hates the idea of the last meeting and saying bye. But I was expecting her arrival and From past one hour my eyes were madly looking for her face in every girl..  as she told me that she will try to come… I don’t know why I was feeling that she is there … I was feeling from somewhere she is looking at me… Maybe or maybe it was just my prediction… With her thoughts, I boarded the bus and started my journey to some new destination… My father was with me to accompany me to Mumbai and this was the only thing which provided some relief to my aching heart. As the bus moving all I could recapitulate was my childhood, friends, school times, her smile…. and the memories started haunting me… I was looking outside the window just to fill my eyes with the scenery of my place as much as possible.. The bus was moving forward and memories were driving me backward as if I was pendulum..  just then my sad eyes captured some wonderful moments… two of my friends in bike were chasing the bus… All thoughts vanished and their presence put a smile on my face.. Soon the bike reached parallel to the bus and they were next to my window…That moment made me utmost happy. But the fabulous thing just happened next to it. The boy sitting second on bike jumped a little and throw a pink colored piece of paper to me through the wide-open window with the instructions “take care of this letter more than yourself. ” OH GOD….. I don’t know either they used some magic spell or that paper had some magic..on that little moment I was on the top of world… REALLY………. I don’t know my father who was sitting next to me heard this or not… But I used all my clever skills to hide that pink paper from his eyes and put it in my pocket safely… the bike and friends accompanied me that way for a half kilometer and then they choose a U-turn… weaving bye-bye to me.. This time their see off was not making my heart heavy because there was something in my pocket which was solely responsible to lift my mood… That time I was only waiting for the bus to stop so that I can see that letter.. See how people change… Once I was wishing the bus to go slow so that I can console my heart that I am still at my place and now this letter in my pocket made me wish that bus go fast and reach to next stop as soon as possible.. It was all because of my excitement of reading her words on that pink letter.

My excitement came to an end as the bus halt for sometimes on the bus stop. My father chooses go outside the bus to be in open air while decided to be at my seat. As my father disappeared from my eyes.. It took me no time to open the letter… the letter was some pamphlet of a computer training center colored with pink. On the plain side, something was written with a blue pen “ hey………..I came to say bye to you.. but you didn't look at me…take care.. and come soon .. I will wait.... bring something for me“

These were the words which that so-called romantic letter had in it. A deep meaning letter…

After two days I was there on the ship. A big ship… Everything was looking extravagant for me .. On the very first day, all rules were told to, all instructions given to me... Yet it was training but they were paying for it and I was supposed to work. The few weeks of work went awesome. I loved everything, the new environment, sailing on the sea, meeting new people and making new friends, The sea was smooth and so was my life… But soon the things got changed…. With the passage of time just like the roughness of the sea, my life also got tough… There was my instructor who kept on torturing me every time. Speaking in English, be ready all the time, Have the watch of 14 hours, Eat whatever is available no matters you are Vegan or non-vegan. These things started demoralizing my strength.. I started to miss home a lot... Now there was no Mom with glass milk to whom I could say “  Just go Mom, don't irritate me”

There was no brother with whom I could go for a long drive… Here was no SHE with whom I could see the dreams of the future. The only thing I had was the bad days.. Seriously BAD DAYS…….. The crew members were no humans ..they were devils and had no sympathy ..they treated me as bad as they could. They left no chance to humiliate me,.. rest was done by the roughness of sea….. But there was no escape other than jumping on the sea…  I cried .. I cried hard looking at the picture of my family.. reading her letter… I cried .. but no one heard or say cared…. I sealed her letter with transparent tape to put new life in it… As her letter was putting life in me… That was the first and last thing which I used to see before going to watch…. Reading her letter …just to keep my heart breathing even when the instructor yells on me…

                            After about 5 months I got the chance of calling home… I was all emotional moment… I cried on phone.. for the first time my parents heard me crying MOM said “ I keep the phone with me as if your phone will come anytime” These words made me cry aloud… Yet few words of my father brought the motivation in me… It lasts for just 15 minutes. Then I called her. But her number was switched off. Anxiously I called my friend … After a few calls, he picked and answered “ Hello……hello……..” I was not able to hear anything rather than some music on DJ… He kept on saying hello ..hello… I cut the call... It was just waste to say anything because I knew he must be busy with friends in dancing in some function… This made me sadder… I sat on my room and through a small window I could see the waves in the sea... Just like those waves were inside me… I was missing HOME… That was it………..

                                 But my feelings had nothing to do with the instructor. His bad behavior never changed to me. The food on the ship was not at all good. It made it, soon I was diagnosed with food poisoning… But even then I was compiled to do the duty… That day I was not able to stand even for a while... I was feeling drowsy and my body was aching… I kept myself standing as much I could until I get faint… I never felt so alone and dying before… I was a happy family guy but now I was ill, almost alone in some sea... That was my reality. Soon I felt on floor unconsciously…. I have been there for one day until the next person came for the exchange of duty……. Soon I was given treatment and taken back to conscious… That was the horrifying time for me. I felt as if I am dead… But hopefully, I was alive……… It was just like my second birth…By dealing with that hell time soon I realized that one year contract is coming to an end... There were just 30 years left for the homecoming. I was excited. This happy feeling filled me with enthusiasm and made me happy…. Any torture of my instructor was not making me feel bad. any long hour duty was not frustrating me … because..because… I was going back to home………

                              The day of my sign off was wonderful. I could imagine how my mom will react when she will see me.. I could imagine the long drive with my friends…. I could imagine HER expressions and smile when I will give her the Anklet I bought for her…..

                       And finally, I was at home… I was happy that I did my job in the best possible way. I was happy because I survived against all odds… I was happy because I was at home after a long one year…

                                    I met every one … gave them gifts ..talked a lot.. I was the great time.. At evening I met my friend and asked about her… With a sad face he passed the information “ she got married brother,, two months ago.”      I was like “  stop kidding, its not a movie scene.”  All he replied was " you can see yourself, I will take you to her college."

Those words were enough to break me… I stayed strong for the past year but this one minute was enough to kill me….. I felt as something broken inside me and I could feel the pieces which were scratching my skin………. The next 12 hours were longer than 12 months which I spend on ship .. I had no dinner and all I did was wondering on the floor with a thought how can she get married…….. It's not real……. And so on..... I was fond of sleeping but that night .. sleep was disappeared from the thoughts. I kept looking on her letter and the PAYAL I got for her… All I could read in that letter was " I will wait".

                              Next morning .. the SUN SHINED but it brought the darkness in my life. A different kind of darkness. ………. It took me no time to get ready and drove to her college with my friend…………. We sat on the parapet from where she was supposed to pass to enter the college…During that wait of two hours, my friend told me everything about friends, girls in college, highlights of the village..but I understood nothing. NOTHING at all. My eyes were just looking for her.. And that’s it………… She came … but she was not my girl. She was different… She was reflecting as newly wedded bride… She had a Bindi on her forehead.. She was wearing a dark red suit….. She was all changed. She was looking beautiful as a new bride ..but I was not mine… This was the first time I was not liking her looks..  It took a lot of guts to stand and in front of her.. As she saw me her eyes got confused as her expressions were not happy and not sad. All she managed to ask was “ how are you”    and my only reply was “ Are you happy?”  She didn’t reply and just nodded her head with a smile… The same as once she did say YES to me……….. The same way… Then she left… and this time also she didn’t say bye……..

                   That day was enough to shatter me ………….I was again sitting the side of lake…… our favorite place……..but this time she was not there to hold my hand…. Her Anklet was still there in my pocket with the letter…….. But she was all gone….. Yet, I had no complaints with her, not with destiny. Even I am thankful to her that her thoughts, dreams, and letter made me strong enough to face the challenges during my rough times… She didn’t say a word to me but her eyes explained it all. She learned to accept destiny and be happy with it…And from that day onward I also accepted the reality… It took me some time to get over through the pain of heartbreak but soon it got healed. Now, I am not so emotional yet strong and mature. I know its life and I have to live it the way it is….. Since then a lot of girls gave in my life but none of them understood me .. the way she used to.. none of them loved me .. the way she loved me... Now she is a mom of little two years daughter but still, I remember her as the girl sitting next to me..HOLDING my hand and saying ‘I will wait’